Ovt

Perjalanan pulang dari kantor yang makan waktu 1,5 jam adalah waktu yang tepat untuk overthinking. Setelah seharian segalanya tentang bisnis, maka di waktu yang singkat tersebut sering membuatku memikirkan berbagai hal, salah satunya diriku sendiri.

Malam tadi topiknya soal karya. 

Aku merasa hidupku nyaman, aman, dan stabil. Setidaknya untuk saat ini. Seperti bisa menaruh ekspektasi dan kemudian mendapatkan hasil yang sudah diprediksi tersebut. Hasil yang sesuai. Tidak banyak tanya. Tidak banyak kegelisahan. Tidak banyak kekuatiran. Semuanya baik-baik saja.

Tapi sepertinya hal tersebut membuat aku berhenti merasa. Tidak ada pemicunya. Karena semuanya baik-baik saja. Harusnya disyukuri atau ini tanda bahaya, ya?

Bersyukur sih tentu. Tentu saja lah. 

Tanda bahaya.. ini baru terpikir karena episode ovt di perjalanan pulang tadi. Kok malah jadi datar. Kok malah jadi begitu-begitu saja. Kok malah merasa.. kurang. 

Hidupku masa begini saja; marketing, GBV, metrics, dan post mortem. Pasti ada lebihnya lah. Ada hal-hal lain yang layak diberi porsi besar dalam kepala. Harusnya, sih, ada.

Mari cari tahu lah kalau begitu. Doakan ku berhasil ya.

Hardest battle one gets to face

You have all the love. It’s been always there. All the compassion, sincerity, and faith. It feels like a curse to have all that but I just want you to know that it’s never your fault. Never a mistake. 

You need to have all that. It’s the one that will help you get through. The darkest night. The sleepless night. It’s gonna help you. To find the path. 

Just don’t lose it. No matter how painful. The heartaches. And endless wondering. Perhaps it’s the only way. To face it alone. To confront. To understand why. To forgive. And to end it. 

Because all that, everything else, is for you.

To grow up

How horrible it is to grow up. To be trapped in the corner of expectations. And left with no choice. To have no time, even just for one or two lullaby. To be in the system. Seen. 

Time flies. Morning coffee, tireless nights. And just like that suddenly it’s the Christmas lights. Then come the fireworks, and alcohol and familiar faces if you’re lucky. Back to the desk. Same old song. Same walls. It always is. All white.

How horrible it is to grow up. To act along with the mundane scenario. To find your role, or change it. Or create it. Depends on the courage you gather. 

Sparkles left behind, and forgotten. It’s so quiet with nowhere to go. Unfinished, and perhaps will always be. Until you find the time, if you’re brave enough. To say hi to those innocent eyes once again, eyes filled with hope.  

How horrible it is to grow up. But at least, you have me. Always.